I told my psychiatrist I was having thoughts about hurting myself. He told me to quit beating around the bush.

I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings. I guess you could say it's a complex complex complex.

Why did the scarecrow become a successful stand-up comedian? He was outstanding in his field.

Why do cemeteries raise their burial costs? People are dying to get in.

I saw a man at the beach shouting 'Help, shark, help!' I laughed because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.

I told my wife she should be more optimistic. She said, 'Why? It's not like things could get any worse.'

I finally quit my job as a personal trainer. I just couldn't see the point anymore.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I'm too obsessed with astrology. What a Capricorn.

I told my therapist about my phobia of overly positive people. She asked, 'How does that make you feel?'

Why did the vampire get hired as a bank teller? He had a lot of experience with blood withdrawals.

Why did the burglar break into a music store? He heard they had good loot.

I told my son to start saving for college. He asked, 'Why? Do you have something against student loans?'

I stopped telling environmental jokes because they were trash.

Did you hear about the pessimistic chemist? He thought the glass was always half empty.

Why did the germaphobe break up with their partner? They needed some space.

I invested in a cemetery because people are just dying to get in.

Last night I dreamt I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.

I have a joke about chemistry, but I tested it on some friends and there was no reaction.

I finally got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the park? It's alright, he woke up.