I renamed my iPod 'Titanic.' It's syncing now.

I told my therapist about my fear of emptiness. He said, 'Don't worry, I'll bill you anyway.'

I found a wallet with $500 in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, so I just took the money and left the wallet.

I asked the waiter for a doggy bag. He told me to just take my wife and leave.

I asked the doctor to take my blood pressure. He told me, 'You're alive, aren't you?'

I texted my ex-girlfriend, 'I miss you.' Then I deleted it because I realized the alcohol was talking.

I hate it when people ask for a light on a cigarette. I'm smoking it, it's already lit.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, I'll do it tomorrow.

I left my Adderall in my car and it's been stolen. Now I'm losing focus.

I asked the electrician if he was married. He said, 'Current-ly, I'm single.'

I entered 10 puns in a joke contest, hoping one would win. But no pun in ten did.

I tried to write a funny joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

I don't need a stalker. I have social media.

I can't stand people who make photocopies. They're just copycats.

I asked the computer for a joke, but it said my life.

I hired a handyman to fix my house. He just left a note saying, 'Don't pay me. I'm not handy.'

My wife gets really angry when I steal her kitchen utensils. But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

I'm friends with a vegan, but I still like to meat up with them.

I told my son he was officially an adult when he could joke about dark humor. He asked if dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She was always too clingy.