I told my wife she should try mountain climbing. She said our marriage is already peaking.

I told my therapist that I have a fear of commitment. He asked me to commit to the next session.

My grandfather always said, 'Don't spend your life savings on a cemetery plot. You're just dying to get in there.'

I saw a fortune teller today who told me I would have a successful career as a stand-up comedian. I guess she didn't see that one coming.

I asked my doctor for a second opinion. He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'

Why was the scarecrow such a great detective? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I told my wife she should start a garden. She said she doesn't want to soil her reputation.

I saw a sign that said 'falling rocks.' I tried, but it's not as easy as it sounds.

I tried to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.

I told my wife she should try underwater basket weaving. She said our marriage is already sinking.

I asked my wife if she wanted to watch a documentary about cement. She said it sounds like a real tearjerker.

I told my wife she should take up hiking. She said our marriage is already on a rocky path.

I told my wife she should take up archery. She said our relationship already has enough arrows.

I asked the serial killer if he had a favorite murder weapon. He said, 'It's a real killer decision.'

I have a fear of elevators, but I'm taking steps to overcome it.

I told my boss I have a fear of working late. He said it's a common phobia called 'employee exhaustion.'

I asked the cannibal if he wanted a snack. He said, 'I'm trying to cut back.'

I tried to start a cooking class for cannibals, but it was a recipe for disaster.

I asked the executioner if there was a line to get into the chopping block. He said, 'It's a real cutthroat business.'

I asked my therapist if Freudian slips are covered by insurance. He said it depends on your mother.

I always feel like a deer in the headlights when I see a car coming towards me.