I asked my wife if she ever wakes up grumpy. She said no, she lets me sleep.

I asked my wife if she thinks I'm spontaneous. She said, 'I used to.'

My girlfriend said I was too controlling. I said, 'You'll speak when you're spoken to.'

I asked my wife if she thinks I'm cheap. She said, 'Honey, you're free.'

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills. She said, 'You're an 8.'

I asked my wife if she thinks I'm stubborn. She said, 'No, I think you're set in your ways.'

I asked my wife if she ever tells white lies. She said, 'Only when you're around.'

I asked the doctor if he could help me get more fiber in my diet. He recommended a trip to the yarn store.

I asked my wife if she thinks I'm a bad driver. She said, 'I don't know, I've never seen you drive.'

I asked my wife if she thinks I'm clumsy. She said, 'I'll buy the bandages.'

I asked the doctor if he could suggest something for my dark sense of humor. He said, 'It's terminal.'

I asked my wife if she thinks I'm insecure. She said, 'Was that a question?'

I asked the doctor if he could recommend something for my addiction to attention. He said, 'I can't help you, but I'm sure Facebook can.'

I asked my wife if she thinks I'm forgetful. She said, 'I don't remember.'

I asked the doctor if there was a pill for laziness. He said, 'Yes, but you have to take it daily for it to work.'

I asked my wife if she thinks I'm indecisive. She said, 'Well, maybe you are, but then again, maybe you're not.'

I asked the librarian for a book on suicide. She said, 'Fuck off, you won't bring it back.'

I bought a dog from a blacksmith. When I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

I asked the doctor if he could recommend something to cure my short-term memory loss. He said, 'Sorry, I can't remember.'

A guy walks into a bar and says, 'Ouch.'

I told my wife she should try reverse psychology. Now she's telling everyone I'm a great husband.