I asked the doctor if my paranoia was getting worse. He said, 'They're not out to get you... yet.'

I told my wife she should consider stand-up comedy. She said my marriage jokes are already a hit.

I tried to start a book club for introverts, but nobody showed up.

I told my dentist I have a fear of drills. He said I need to bite the bullet.

I accidentally walked into a mental hospital while wearing a straight jacket. They let me stay for dinner.

I told my wife she should try skydiving. She said our marriage is already a free fall.

I asked the funeral director if they have a loyalty program. He said, 'Once you're in, you can't get out.'

I have a fear of holes. I guess you could say it's a deeply rooted issue.

I asked the fortune teller if I would win the lottery. She said, 'In your dreams.'

I tried to join a cult, but I couldn't make the cut.

I called the exterminator about a termite problem. He said the termites were the least of my worries with a collapsing house like mine.

Why did the chicken join a band? It wanted to be eggs-tra cool.

I like to tell people I have rock-hard abs. They just don't realize they're referring to my gallstones.

I tried to write a dark and edgy poem, but all my rhymes were just too cliche...like a coffin on Valentine's Day.

My friend asked me to water his plants while he was away. I said sure, but I think they'll die anyway. I have a black thumb.

I used to be a night owl, but then I realized the early bird gets the worm. So now I just stay up late contemplating my poor life choices.

My friend was complaining about how boring his life was. I told him to try being a referee for a feuding married couple, that'll spice things up.

I told my wife she should try a new hobby to relax. She chose arson.

I like my coffee like I like my humor...dark and full of bitterness.

I asked my date if she believed in love at first sight. She said no, but she's willing to give hate at first sight a chance.

My grandfather always said, 'As long as there's an empty bottle of whiskey, there's never a reason to cry.' Well, until he ran out of bottles.