I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, 'Just cremate me.' So I got her an ice cream cake.

Why did the clown go to jail? Because he left a 'serial' killer at the crime scene.

My girlfriend told me she wants to be treated like a princess. So I made her marry her own cousin.

I invited my friends over for a séance, but they didn't show up. I guess they just couldn't 'spirit' themselves to come.

I recently got into an argument with my mirror. I guess you could say I had a real 'face-off'.

I tried to donate blood the other day, but they kept asking where I got it from.

My grandma always said laughter is the best medicine. That's probably why she died of tuberculosis.

I like my coffee how I like my war - cold and bitter.

I love dark humor. It's like food, not everyone gets it.

I asked my doctor for some painkillers. He told me to try marriage.

I used to be a necrophiliac, but then I realized my relationship was dead.

I tried to take a selfie at a funeral. But the lighting was just too good to pass up.

I told my wife she should join the circus. She's been juggling my emotions for years.

I heard Apple is designing a new car. It has really good crash resistance, but you can’t open the windows.

I told my wife she should make her own calendar. She got mad, so I took her cat.

Why do seagulls live by the sea? If they lived by the bay, they'd be called bagels.

I put my ceiling fan on dyslexic mode. It always blows the wrong way.

I made a belt out of clocks. It was a waist of time.

I took a lie detector test. No surprise, it passed with flying colors.

I tried wearing tight jeans once, but I couldn't pull it off.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a coffin.