I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said, 'No, we can't afford that.'

I told my friend about my fear of hurdles. He said, 'Get over it.'

I'm currently dating an older woman. Well, technically two older women.

I asked the doctor if he could give me something for my restless leg syndrome. He said, 'Sure, here's a kick.'

I asked the doctor if he could give me something for my OCD. He said, 'Sure, when can you come in?'

I told my therapist about my fear of the dark. He told me not to worry, the darkness will eventually consume us all.

I used to be a proctologist, but I couldn't see myself doing it for the rest of my life.

I heard that Cinderella was thrown out of the basketball team. She kept running away from the ball.

Why couldn't the vampire get any sleep? Because of his coffin.

I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but it finally came back to me.

I asked the waiter for a quick joke. He told me my life expectancy.

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I was addicted to the hokey-pokey. Then I turned myself around.

I played my wife's guitar to serenade her, but she said my voice was the real torture.

I asked my wife if she wanted to play doctor. Now I'm banned from Monopoly.

I tried to explain bird puns to my wife, but she didn't find them crow-mical.

I bought a coffin for my wife with a lifetime guarantee. That's a good deal, right?

My wife left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

I asked the doctor if my test results were in. He said, 'They're negative.' Just like my outlook on life.

Why did the scarecrow break up with the cornfield? It wasn't ready to settle down.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.