I told my psychiatrist that I keep thinking I'm a dog. He said it’s a ruff life.

I tried to organize a hide and seek competition for my imaginary friends. They never showed up.

I asked the devil for a deal. He said my soul wasn't worth the paperwork.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She said I already am when I try to cook.

I asked the psychic when I'll die. She said I wouldn't live to find out.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She divorced me.

I heard cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift.

I asked my therapist if I have an eating disorder. She said I'm just grave-robbing for attention.

I tried counting sheep to fall asleep, but all I could think about was the slaughterhouse.

I heard laughter is the best medicine. That's why I overdose on dark humor.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape its fate in KFC.

I told my therapist I was having dark thoughts. She told me to turn on the light and face them.

I told my wife she should embrace her flaws. She hugged me tightly.

I've always wanted to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion? I cry when I chop up onions.

I asked the Grim Reaper for a day off. He said only if I can beat him in a game of tag.

I took my dog to the flea circus. He stole the show.

I always carry a map with me. That way, even when I'm lost, I know where I am.

I don't have a fear of flying, I have a fear of crashing.

I told my wife she should spice things up in the bedroom. She bought me cayenne pepper.

I asked the Grim Reaper for a day off. He said, 'Sorry, no breaks.'