Why did the scarecrow fail his exam? He didn't have the brains.

Why did the math teacher break up with the psychologist? They had too many problems.

Why did the tomato go to the school dance? It couldn't ketchup.

What was the mummy's vacation destination? Sandy beaches.

Why couldn't the bike find its way? It lost its bearings.

What's the difference between the Titanic and my laptop? Only 2000 people go down on the Titanic.

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. Now, every time I see a grave, I bring her a bouquet.

Why did the skeleton refuse to babysit? He didn't have the guts.

I like my coffee like I like my death metal: black and strong.

I told my girlfriend she should embrace her inner child. She took it literally and threw a tantrum.

I accidentally ran over a cat. I swear, it was a feline error.

I told my psychiatrist I have suicidal thoughts. He said, 'From now on, you'll be charged with attempted murder.'

Why did the ghost go on a diet? He wanted to be a little less transparent.

I told my girlfriend she should embrace her flaws. She handed me a mirror.

What's the difference between a funeral and a comedy show? People laugh more at the funeral.

Did you hear about the man who was found dead, covered in popcorn? The police said it was an a-maize-ing crime scene.

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making 'headlines' everywhere.

I made a pact with the devil for wealth, power, and women. Now I'm broke, weak, and single.

Why don't skeletons fight at the bar? They don't have the stomach for it.

I tried to catch fog today. Mist.

I told my wife she should join a theater group. Now she's in a 'playful' relationship.