I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure my neighbor's basement is filled with skeletons. Either that, or he really loves Halloween.

I used to play piano by ear, but then music theories conspired against me.

I would tell you a joke about construction, but the punchline needs more groundwork.

People say I'm condescending. Their insight into my personality is commendable.

How do you organize a space party? You asteroid your friends to come and orbit around the snacks.

I'm not lazy, I'm just conserving energy for when I need it most.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was the most stationary contestant of the competition.

I used to be a baker, but the dough rose against me.

I told my therapist about my fear of the dark. He enlightened me about the benefits of vitamin D deficiency.

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but its time has not come yet.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was tired of supporting human weight.

I always knock on the fridge before opening it, just in case a ghost wants to come out.

I have a fear of speed bumps. It's a bumpy road to overcoming it.

I used to play piano by ear, but then the ear started playing me back.

I would tell you a joke about construction, but it would probably collapse before the punchline.

People say I'm condescending. They should look down on me more often.

How do you organize a space party? You planet, buy some alien decorations, and order the caterpillar service.

I'm not lazy, I'm just an advocate of nap activism.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because it had the best strawman argument in the field.

I used to be a baker, but my sourdough starter developed sentience and left me for a warmer oven.

I told my therapist about my fear of the dark. He offered me a nightlight subscription and a discounted fear alleviation package.