I have a dark sense of humor. A little girl asked me for ice cream, so I took her to the morgue and said, 'Pick a flavor.'

I told my friend he should try skydiving. He said, 'I'm too scared.' I said, 'Don't worry, the parachute is just a backup plan.'

I told my therapist I have a fear of ghosts. She said, 'Don't worry, they're more scared of you.'

I tried to donate blood, but they said I have Type A. I said, 'But what about my blood?'

I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about a broken pencil. She said, 'No, it sounds pointless.'

I told my doctor I think I have a caffeine addiction. He said, 'Don't worry, it's better than a heroin addiction.'

I did a personality test and it came back negative.

I told my son he should follow his dreams. He said, 'But dad, I want to be a nightmare.'

I tried to take up yoga, but every time I do downward dog, I can hear my ex laughing.

I asked my boss for a raise. He said, 'Sure, let me just grab my shovel.'

I went to a cemetery and saw a man digging a grave. I asked him what he was doing. He said, 'Just killing time.'

I tried to schedule a meeting with Death, but he said he's swamped with appointments.

I told my wife I'll love her until the end of time. She said, 'It's not my fault you're into necrophilia.'

I told my friend I have a dark sense of humor. He said, 'That's not funny.' I said, 'Exactly.'

I tried to become a stand-up comedian, but every time I told a joke, the audience was dead silent.

I told my wife we should try spicing things up in the bedroom. She said, 'How about we start with paprika?'

I asked the chef if he could make me turtle soup. He said he could make it in about a week.

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Is it one or two? One... or two?

I invited some friends over for a game of hide and seek. They never showed up.

I started a new job as a crematorium operator. The last thing I realized was that the clients would be dying to get in.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends.