What do you call a man with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

I found a strong and independent woman inside me. Turns out it was just gas.

Why wasn't the geometry teacher at school? Because she took a tangent.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two tired from trying to balance life.

Do you know what's stronger than duct tape? Duct tape. It can strip the paint off a car.

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!

I called the suicide hotline the other day. They asked me if I could hold the line.

I asked the fortune teller how my life would turn out. She said, 'I'm sorry, I don't do horror stories.'

I asked the priest for some advice. He said, 'Thou shalt not ask me for help.'

I dreamt I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda last night. It took me a while to realize it was just a Fanta sea.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his horror movie audition.

I heard Buffalo Bill was joining a band. He'll be playing the skin flute.

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. You should've seen her face when I gave her superglue instead.

I'm taking up pickpocketing as a hobby. Need to lighten up my pockets somehow.

Why did the clown go to jail? He was doing balloon animals with too many twists.

My friend keeps saying, 'Cheer up, it could be worse.' I said, 'Yeah, you could be stuck in an elevator with me.'

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Don't spell 'part' backward. It's a trap.

Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend? She couldn't handle his 'batty' personality.

Why did the zombie end his relationship with his girlfriend? She was too 'dead' to him.

Why was the cemetery a great place to work? It had lots of grave opportunities.