I asked my wife if she ever cheated on me. She replied, 'Why would I? You were always home.'

I told my boss I needed a day off for personal reasons. He said, 'I understand, but who is going to cover your shift at the morgue?'

I walked in on my wife cheating on me. I'm not mad, just disappointed. I mean, she was using my favorite chainsaw.

My wife said she wants to be treated like a princess. So I locked her in a tower and surrounded it with a moat filled with alligators.

I told my wife she should chew her food more. She said, 'Why? It's not like you're gonna eat it.'

I asked my wife if she's ever thought about leaving me. She said, 'Not until I find a good place to bury you.'

I told my wife she should take up a hobby. So now she collects restraining orders against me.

Why don't graveyards ever get overcrowded? Because people are just dying to get in.

I told my friend he should embrace his mistakes. He gave me a hug, then his parachute didn't open.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

I asked my doctor about my memory problems. He said, 'Who are you?'

I got in trouble for punching a clown. It was a real punchline.

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm too obsessed with astronomy. What planet is she on?

I told my friend he should go on a diet. Now he's not speaking to me... I guess I made a real fat joke.

I told my wife she should try teleporting. She just couldn't get the hang of it.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it'll get a reaction.

Why don't skeletons fight in the army? They have no guts for battle.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest in the cash flow.

Why did the scarecrow get a job offer? Because he was outstanding at scaring away the crows.

I asked my wife if she thinks I'm funny. She said no, she just laughs out of pity.