I asked my wife why she never laughs at my dark jokes. She said, 'Because I married you, I'm already living in one.'

I tried to be a stand-up comedian, but my audience was always lying down.

I saw a ghost in my living room last night. I asked him to leave, but he said he was just there to haunt the place.

Why did the doctor bring a red pen to work? In case he needed to draw blood.

I tried to donate blood, but they said my type was 'disturbing'.

I asked my therapist if I have multiple personalities. He said, 'Don't worry, only one of them hates you.'

I'm not saying my life is a joke, but I'm definitely the punchline.

I used to be a funeral director, but I lost interest in the business.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? He thought she was a bit too clingy.

I used to be a necrophiliac, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

I always tell my wife she should be more spontaneous. Last week, she filed for divorce out of the blue.

Raising kids is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.

I told my wife she should iron her clothes, but she said she prefers to diet instead.

I asked the doctor if I'll live a long life. He said, 'I doubt it, mercury is in retrograde.'

I'm not a fan of old math teachers. They tend to multiply.

I wear a stethoscope so I can listen to my wallet slowly dying.

I told my wife she should stop talking in her sleep. She said, 'I don't talk in my sleep, you do.'

I called my wife 'immature.' She told me to get out of her fort.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't meet his tastes.

I accidentally laughed when the dentist said he was going to give me laughing gas. He didn't find it funny.

I always feel better after a good cry. But the cemetery security guard doesn't agree.