Why did the baker go to therapy? He kneaded attention.

Why did the burglar take a bath? He wanted a clean getaway.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field, a true crow pleaser.

Why did the ocean break up with the pond? It felt like it was getting too shallow.

Why was the cheetah bad at hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

Why did the necrophiliac bring a shovel to the cemetery? To meet his grave desires.

I told my wife she should be more optimistic. She said, 'I'm positive I won't.'

I asked the devil for a hug. He said, 'Sure, but it'll be a little squeezy.'

I've started a cemetery tour business. It's really taking off - people are dying to get in.

My wife left me because of my addiction to astrology. I don't know what's in her stars.

Why did the coffin break up with the hearse? It wanted more space.

I asked the psychic if I would go to heaven. She said, 'Not with that attitude.'

I accidentally ran over a cat on the way to my ex's house. Talk about a purr-fect coincidence.

I started a new job at the cemetery. It's really grave work, but the clients are dying to see me.

I told my wife I wanted to be a comedian. She laughed and said, 'You're killing me.'

I asked the psychic if I would win the lottery. She said, 'No, but you'll die trying.'

I finally found the key to success... it was under the welcome mat at the abandoned house next door.

I bought a casket online. Now every time I log in, it says 'Welcome back.'

My wife asked me if I thought she was getting fat. I said, 'Of course not, just rounder.'

I asked the genie for a long-term relationship. She gave me a math problem to solve instead.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he kept killing it in the field.