My wife told me I should do lunges to tone my legs. That would be a big step forward in my exercise routine.

My girlfriend said she wants to break up. I replied, 'Let's be clear, we were never together.'

I asked the fortune teller if she could see my future. She said, 'I see a lot of darkness.'

I accidentally ran over a cat on the way to work. My boss gave me a raise for punctuality.

I asked the doctor if he could help me with my fear of dying. He said no, but I can pay in advance.

I like to spend my weekends buried in my work. Literally, as a graveyard shift worker.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she said I'm too reliant on technology. I sent her a letter to apologize.

My son wanted a 'paperless' birthday. So I gave him a rock.

I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work. She said, 'How do you know he's on his way to work?'

I asked my wife why she never makes me coffee in the morning. She said, 'It's your addiction, you deal with it.'

I tried to start a vegetarian restaurant, but things didn't pan out. Turns out I forgot to leaflet the customers.

Why don't skeletons make good comedians? They don't have the guts for it.

Why did the scarecrow become a successful therapist? Because he really knew how to listen.

Why was the gardener fired? He was always planting evidence.

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue? To get a little grilling.

Why did the butcher become a comedian? He knew how to butcher a joke.

Why did the snowman call his friend? He had a meltdown.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? He just couldn't stomach her.

Why did the suicidal computer jump off the cliff? It had too many viruses.

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.

Why did the ghost go to the party? He heard it was going to be a grave affair.