My friends think I have a dark sense of humor. They're just not looking on the bright side.

I asked my therapist if I have an addictive personality. He said, 'I can't stop thinking about it.'

I told my therapist about my addiction to eating clocks. He said it's time to stop.

I asked the psychic how I would die. She said I should check my horoscope for the answer.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She wasn't his type.

I told my girlfriend she should do more cardio. That way, she can run from my dark sense of humor faster.

I always feel lonely during daylight savings time. It's just a reminder of all the hours I've lost.

I asked my doctor if he could remove my nose. He said he couldn't pick his patients.

My friend claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his dog will retrieve it. I think he's barking up the wrong tree.

Why do cemetery fences have barbed wire at the top? Because people are just dying to get in.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school? They woke up.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just collecting dust.

I told my son he'll never amount to anything because he's always procrastinating. He said, 'Just you wait.'

I accidentally drank food coloring last night. I woke up this morning feeling like I'd dyed a little inside.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. So she hugged me, which was the biggest one of all.

Why did the ghost become a rapper? He had a lot of spirit.

I told my wife she should go skydiving to overcome her fear of heights. She jumped to the conclusion that I wanted her gone.

Why don't vampires have online dating profiles? They can't upload a good selfie.

I told my wife she should take up jogging. She looked offended, as if she could run a mile in her shoes.

I asked my therapist if my fear of speed bumps was irrational. He slowly got over it.

I told my wife she should try to light up my life. Now she's talking about setting me on fire.