I asked the psychic if I should invest in stocks. She said, 'I foresee a lot of liquid assets.'

I told my therapist that I'm having thoughts about arson. She said, 'Please, don't burn that bridge.'

I told my wife she should do more cardio. So she started running away from our problems.

I told my wife she should eat more fiber. So she started knitting.

I asked my grandma how she felt about being cremated. She said, 'I'm dying to try it.'

I told my wife she should try skydiving. She said, 'I need to land this marriage first.'

I asked my dentist for advice on improving my relationship. He said, 'Just floss more.'

I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't rise to the occasion... because I was buried in debt.

I used to be a butcher, but I couldn't make the cut... until I started sharpening my tools.

Why don't skeletons go to the movies? They have no body to enjoy it.

I used to be a gardener, but I lost my bloom... and found a passion for thorns.

Why did the zombie go to the dentist? To improve his 'bite'... but he still prefers brains.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. The doctor says the next vowel movement could be dangerous.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She wrapped me in a bear hug... and then she roared.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest... and found a new career in fraud.

Why don't ghosts ever make music albums? They can't find a record deal that doesn't involve soul-selling.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me tightly... and then disclosed she was a ghost seeking a vessel for possession.

Why don't witches wear panties? To get a better grip on their broomsticks.

I used to be a gardener, but I lost my bloom... when I discovered the joy of planting human bones instead.

Why did the scarecrow become a lawyer? He was outstanding in his field of straw arguments.