I used to be a lifeguard, but I couldn't save my own relationship.

My wife told me she wants to be cremated when she dies. She's always been a light sleeper.

I always thought my neighbors were quiet and reserved. Turns out, they were just buried in their backyard.

I recently read a book on how to avoid procrastination. I'll tell you about it later.

I used to work at a bakery, but I couldn't handle the knead for dough.

My dad always said laughter is the best medicine. That's probably why several of us died of tuberculosis.

I used to be a gardener, but I never rose to the occasion.

I was so bored I decided to color my hair. Now I'm a shade of blue.

Who was the world's first carpenter? Eve - she made Adam's banana stand.

I used to be a trapeze artist, but I couldn't handle the lows.

I'm so cheap, when I die, I'm only leaving my friends a 'thanks for coming' note.

I used to work at a shoe factory, but it was a sole-crushing job.

Why did the skeleton go to the party? Because he had nobody left to hang out with.

I always thought my cat had nine lives. Turns out, the tenth one was the unluckiest.

I've been diagnosed with a fear of giants. Feefiphobia.

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts...literally.

I'm not a doctor, but I am an organ donor...whether they like it or not.

I was rejected from donating blood. Apparently, it needs to be your own.

I heard that milk is good for your bones. But, alcohol is better for breaking them.

I've always been afraid of speed bumps. But, then I slowly got over it.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.