I told my therapist I have trouble making friends. He suggested I start a cemetery.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He heard they had killer doughnuts.

I tried to lighten the mood at the funeral by doing a magic trick. Let's just say pulling a rabbit out of the casket was not well-received.

I asked my doctor if I should start smoking to lose weight. He said, 'You might as well, lung cancer is a great diet plan.'

Why did the math teacher break up with the ghost? She couldn't handle his imaginary numbers.

I asked the waiter for a doggie bag, but he said I had to leave it there. It was a shih tzu.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

I don't need a haircut, I need all of them.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Why don't skeletons fight in wars? They don't have the stomach for it.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She said she's been doing that since she married me.

I told my wife she should try dowsing for water. She found my hidden stash of snacks.

My wife told me to stop singing 'Wonderwall' all the time. I said maybe.

I asked my doctor for some painkillers. He gave me a photo of my ex.

I saw a kid crying at the graveyard. When I asked him why, he pointed at a tombstone and said, 'I just lost my Nintendo.'

I told my wife she should practice social distancing. Now she won't talk to me.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She filed for divorce.

I told my wife she should try stand-up comedy. She laughed at me.

I invited my friends over for a big seafood dinner. They're still trying to clam up about it.

I asked my wife if she wanted to try role-playing in the bedroom. She dressed up as a divorce lawyer.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She told me to sleep on the couch.