I failed my driver's test. I accidentally drove on the sidewalk and hit a pedestrian. My instructor said I should be more careful riding my bike.

I called the animal shelter and told them I had found six kittens in a box. They said I should bring them in. I replied: I'm not coming back for the fifth time!

Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second-hand store.

Why did the baby cookie cry? Because its mother was a wafer so long.

I have a split personality. One moment I'm happy, the next moment I'm sad. It's like being a yo-yo.

I always take life with a grain of salt...plus a slice of lemon...and a shot of tequila.

Squirrels always act like they're storing up for the winter. I act like that at buffet tables.

Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don't work.

I used to be a baker, but now I have a different loaf in life.

Just went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

I tried to sue the airline after it lost my luggage but I lost my case.

Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly.

I asked the doctor if he could give me something for my addiction to seeking attention. He said, 'Just wait in line.'

Why don't necrophiliacs ever play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding a stiff.

I'm friends with a vegan. I'm a non-meat-e-or.

Why was the belt unhappy? It felt like it was always getting the shaft.

My girlfriend dumped me for being too mysterious. Which is surprising, because I didn't even know she existed.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long for fat people.

I'm really good at being bad. It's my specialty.

I tried to shoot an apple off my friend's head. The doctors say he'll make a full recovery.

Why do vampires seem sick? They are always coffin.