I got a job as a baker because I kneaded dough.

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

I just swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

My friend was always showing off his new belt made out of watches. It was a waist of time.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I need a hearing aid.

I received a fax last night. It's 2018, who faxes?

I asked the doctor if my grandma should be on life support. He replied, 'No, she should be on a sitcom.'

I want to be cremated when I die. It's my last hope for a smoking hot body.

Have you heard about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

I asked my therapist if I have a fear of success. He quickly replied, 'Don't worry, you'll never have to find out.'

I'm not a doctor, but I'll take a look at it. How bad can it be?

I told my doctor I heard buzzing in my ears. He said it was just a bug going in one ear and out the other.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but our dogs have learned to beg with their eyes closed.

People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, nobody's laughing now.

A guy went to a costume party dressed as a skeleton. He was the life of the party.

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home all the signs were there.

Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurosurgeon? He was outstanding at mind control.

I tried to write a joke about the Grim Reaper, but it was deadly dull.

Why don't ghosts use social media? They're too busy haunting.