I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I cleared them out of my life.

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had no body to go with him, just bones.

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because he was already stuffed.

Why was the tomato blushing? It saw the salad dressing change.

I told my wife she should embrace her inner demons. She said, 'Honey, they've been here all along.'

I asked my therapist if my paranoid delusions were real. She replied, 'They're as real as the FBI agent watching us.'

Did you hear about the computer that fell out of the window? It had a fatal error.

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the knife.

Do you know why I always carry a pencil? In case I make a mistake, I can erase it before it becomes permanent.

I told my wife she should embrace her dark side. She replied, 'I already do, it's called my wardrobe.'

I wanted to be a vegetarian, but then I realized it was a missed steak.

Why did the scarecrow break up with the farmer? He was too straw-ng headed.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She replied, 'I thought I already married one.'

I asked my boss if I could have a day off for my mental health. He asked, 'Can't you just be crazy at work like everyone else?'

I told my wife she should embrace her inner darkness. She replied, 'I do every time I turn off the lights.'

I started a band called 'Dyslexic Satanists'. We worship Santa.

I told my wife she should embrace her psychopathic tendencies. She asked me, 'Do you really want to play that game?'

I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the purple.

A man walks into a bar and orders a chemist's martini. The bartender asks, "Do you mean a martini?" The man replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it."

Roses are red, my sense of humor is dark, I’m using my shovel, go dig in the park.

I told my wife she should loosen up, now she's stuck in a jar.