I asked the doctor if he could give me something to calm my nerves. He gave me a mirror.

I told my wife she should practice safe eating. She bought a helmet.

I tried to start a bee farm, but it didn't take off. I guess I wasn't pollen my weight.

I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was impossible to find a venue.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged the divorce papers.

I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

What do you call a vampire who only eats fruit? A fruit bat.

Why is a skeleton a bad liar? You can see right through them.

Why were the middle ages called the dark ages? Because there were too many knights.

Why do skeletons hate winter? Because the cold goes right through them.

I was drinking at the bar yesterday, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

I found a wallet with $1000 in it. I was about to keep it, but then I thought: What would Jesus do with this money?

I like my coffee like I like my women. Ground up and in the freezer.

Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.

I failed my biology test. Apparently, 'What is the main cause of global warming?' was not 'too many menopausal women.'

Why did the boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

I went to a feminist picnic. It was great, all sandwiches were half off.

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

I'm not a doctor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. So today, I will be performing your surgery.

I had a friend who was addicted to brake fluid. He said he could stop anytime.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.