I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... She gave me a long hug.

I bought a dictionary and found out the pages were blank... I have no words.

Why do communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.

I told my computer a joke. It laughed at me.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't taste like he remembered.

Why was the belt arrested? It was holding up a pair of pants, suspiciously.

Why was the snowman looking through the carrots? He heard he might have a bad case of frostbite soon.

Why did the zombie go to school? To improve his dead-ucation, and learn some new bite-sized facts.

Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their butt-quacks, and keep it all under wraps.

Why don't vampires have many friends? Because they're a pain in the neck, literally.

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils, a real vision issue.

I asked my wife if she ever wanted to be treated like a queen. She said, 'Not if it means losing my head.'

Why did the burglar take a bath before he robbed the house? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

I told my wife she should embrace her inner demons. She signed her name with a pentagram.

Why was the belt arrested? It was holding up a pair of pants with a criminal past.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it by taking a big leap.

Why was the pirate such a good singer? He had a great arrrrrrr-ticulation.

I told my therapist I have a fear of shadows. She said, 'Get out. I'm seeing someone.'

Why can't vampires have friends? Because they're a pain in the neck.

I told my wife she should wear more makeup. She said, 'Why, are you seeing someone?'

I bought a pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words too.