I went to the doctor for a check-up and he said I had a rare condition where I can't feel any pain. It hurt to hear that.

I tried to donate blood today but they told me I have too much iron in my diet. Looks like I'm stuck being a vampire.

I bought a cemetery plot recently. It's the only real estate investment that's guaranteed to appreciate.

I told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I said, 'No, I want to make it a reality.'

I asked my wife if we could spice things up in the bedroom. She brought home paprika.

I put my cat in the microwave to see how many lives it really had. Turns out, not nine.

My wife left me because of my obsession with horse racing. At least now I'm free to rein.

I've been struggling with depression lately. But it's all good, I'll probably just sleep it off.

I told my parents I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They laughed at me. Well, they're not laughing now.

I tried to join a suicide prevention hotline but they told me I didn't meet the qualifications.

I told my wife she was really starting to show her age. She responded by slashing my tires.

I went to a fancy dress party as a corpse. It was a dead giveaway.

I told my wife I wanted to be embalmed when I die. She said she's already been preserving our marriage for years.

I've been feeling a little down lately. So I dug a basement under my house to really sink into it.

I got a tattoo of a GPS on my abdomen. Now every time I eat, I'm on the road to weight loss.

I tried to kill two birds with one stone. Turns out, stone is a terrible choice of weapon.

I asked my wife if we could try a little role play. She told me she already plays the role of my wife, what more did I want?

I told my ex I missed her. She said her aim was getting better too.

I went to a doctor for my high fever. He said I was just too darn cool.

I took a personnel day from work today. HR says I'm now banned from the cemetery.

I told my wife I was going to the morgue. She said she was dying to go shopping.