Why did the tomato turn red? It overheard the onion crying in the kitchen.

Why don't skeletons go on blind dates? They have no body to impress.

I used to be a baker, but the dough became too kneady.

Why did the scarecrow become a motivational speaker? Because he was outstanding at standing tall in his field.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She said it's hard because they keep coming back to haunt her.

Why did the zombie break up with his girlfriend? He wanted someone with more brains.

I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Turns out I couldn't concentrate.

Why did the scarecrow win an Oscar? He was outstanding in his fear-based performance.

Why was the math book feeling down? It had too many problems and no solutions.

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the ketchup.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was outstanding in his scare tactics.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't roll with the knead.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She said she has enough embracing to do with my shortcomings.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two tired... of the constant pressure to perform tricks.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake.

I asked the doctor to replace my heart with a cat's, so I can feel love nine times stronger. He showed me the door.

My wife asked me to stop singing 'Dancing Queen.' I said, 'You can dance, you can jive, but you can't hide your disdain.'

Why did the ghost go to the party? To find some booooooze!

I accidentally swallowed food coloring and now I feel like I've dyed a little inside... and outside.

I asked my doctor about the benefits of being a vegetarian. He said it has no liver dangers.