Why did the tomato turn into a salad? It wanted to ketchup with the lettuce.

I asked the magician if he could make me disappear. He said, 'Not without a trace.'

I tried to take a selfie with my printer, but it kept saying, 'Paper jam.'

Why did the volleyball players go to the bank? They wanted to spike their interest rates.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? He didn't like her taste in men.

I told my wife she should've been a news anchor. She looked at me and said, 'You're bloody right.'

I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

I used to be a personal trainer, but then I gave up on my clients.

I asked the doctor if he could make me look younger. He gave me a coffin brochure.

I used to be a proofreader, but I left that job behind.

I asked my therapist if it's normal to have violent thoughts. He said, 'Yes, but not to act on them.' So I switched to a new therapist.

I accidentally sent a nude selfie to my boss. He replied, 'Nice try, but I'm still firing you.'

I bought a coffin online. Now I just have to wait for that perfect moment to surprise my family.

I found a genie in a bottle and wished for infinite wisdom. Now I know why some people prefer to stay ignorant.

My friends say I have a dark sense of humor. I prefer to think of it as an enlightened perspective on the absurdity of life.

I called the suicide hotline last night. They put me on hold.

Why did the baker have to go to therapy? He kneaded professional help.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She said, 'I'll think about it, but I do have expensive taste.'

My therapist told me I have a God complex. I told him to kneel before me and repent.

I joined a cult that worships sunsets. It's a real dying religion.

Why is it so hard for cows to maintain friendships? They're always butting heads.