I told my wife she needs to be more affectionate. So now she gives me the silent treatment twice a day.

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? He was too far out, man.

I asked the doctor if my grandma would pull through. He said, 'Not if we disconnect her.'

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But if life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

I told my friend I had a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

My wife said she's leaving me because I always make bad jokes. But I'm not worried, I have a backup plan.

I asked my doctor for some painkillers. He said, 'You're just gonna have to live with the pain.'

I told my therapist I have a fear of speed bumps. He said, 'You'll get over it.'

My wife said she wants to be cremated. I told her I'll make that happen, one way or another.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

I asked the doctor how much time my grandfather had left. He said, 'Ten.' So I asked, 'Ten what?' The doctor replied, 'Nine... eight... seven...'

I told my wife she should be more affectionate. She gave me the finger.

I always knock on the fridge before opening it, in case there's a salad dressing.

I told my friend she should wear something proper for our wine tasting. She showed up in handcuffs.

I told my wife she should calm down; she set her watch on fire.

I asked my friend why he carries a ladder with him. He said, 'In case something comes up.'

I told my wife she should learn to prioritize. She told me to wait my turn after the dishes.

I told my wife she should wake up and smell the coffee. She took a nap with a latte.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So I married her off to a stranger for political gain.

I once met a mime who could swear. It was a real profanity performance.

My favorite hobby is making up fake facts. Fun fact: That's not true.