I asked the psychic for a refund. She said, 'I knew you were going to say that.'

I told my wife she should spice up her cooking. She added cyanide.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. But I couldn't find my case.

Why did the vampire start a band? He heard they had a killer drummer.

I took up gardening to relieve stress. Now I have an axe in my backyard.

I heard the cannibal was popular at parties. He always brought a finger food dish.

Why did the cannibal turn vegan? He wanted to eat more vegetables.

I told my wife our marriage is like a fine wine. It's getting worse with age.

Why did the arsonist join the circus? He wanted to ignite his passion for performing.

Why did the ghost go to therapy? He had issues he couldn't bury.

I used to be a psychic, but I didn't see that career going anywhere.

My girlfriend accused me of being a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven-year-old.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

I asked the doctor if I would live to be a hundred. He said, 'Probably not, unless you stop smoking.'

If God wanted us to be vegans, why did he make animals out of meat?

I told my wife she should contribute more to our marriage. So she started a GoFundMe page.

I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook, but our dog just died and we haven't noticed yet.

Why do cemetery workers prefer blondes? They're easier to dig up.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the daycare? It's okay, he woke up.

I told my wife she needs to exercise more. So she started running her mouth.

What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits until you're a teenager to come on your face.