I asked the psychic if she could see my future. She said she saw a 'dark and stormy night'. I said, 'Finally, some good weather'.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove it wasn't a chicken.

I tried to join the skeleton war once, but I just didn't have the guts.

I tried to order a brain online, but it was out of stock.

I told my wife I wanted to be buried with all my money. She said she'd bury me 6 feet deep to make sure I'm really dead first.

I asked the devil for a day off from hell. He said I could have a snowball's chance in hell first.

Why did the zombie break up with his girlfriend? She wanted more space.

I told my wife she should start cooking with herbs. She played 'Basil' with me.

My wife said she wanted to be cremated. So I threw her computer in the fire.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He heard they had killer buns.

I used to be a necrophiliac, but I broke up with my girlfriend.

Why did the electrician break up with his girlfriend? He couldn't resist the shocking truth.

Why don't vampires use social media? They can't handle the stakes.

I told my therapist about my fear of the dark. He turned off the lights and asked, 'Is your fear gone now?'

I told my wife she should stop playing Wonderwall on guitar. She said maybe.

I'm trying to cut down on drinking, so now I'm drinking in front of a mirror.

I asked the gym trainer how many calories are in semen. They said, 'Who's asking?'

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.

As an undertaker, I always give my clients the silent treatment. After all, they're not much for conversation.

I don't mind dark humor, as long as it's not too grave.

I used to be a butcher, but I couldn't cut it anymore.