I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; there are plenty of holes and it stinks.

I took up meditation to manage my stress, but it's just not working. Now I'm just stressed out and enlightened.

I told my wife she should listen to me more. She replied, 'I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention.'

I told my wife she should stop shopping for kitchen utensils. It's a whisk she's willing to take.

My wife accused me of hating her relatives. I said, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.'

My daughter wanted a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean the house.

I asked my grandma how she's feeling. She said 'in cursive'.

I tried to come up with a suicide joke, but it's too depressing.

I took up meditation to relax, but it's murder on my thighs.

I told my wife she shouldn't worry about me cheating. I'm way too lazy to cheat.

I like my coffee like I like my nights: dark, endless, and filled with regret.

I told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts. He told me I have the best method acting he's ever seen.

I tried to explain what a pun is to a kleptomaniac, but he just took it literally.

I'm not a bad person, I just have a twisted sense of humor. Like, for example, my favorite color is black. Like my soul.

I asked my doctor to test my blood type. Turns out it's B-negative, just like my outlook on life.

I invited my friends over for a murder mystery party, but they all canceled last minute. So I had to solve the murder by myself.

My girlfriend wanted me to surprise her with something long and hard for our anniversary. So I showed her a picture of a strip of bacon.

I told my dentist I was afraid of the dentist. He told me to stop being a baby and handed me a lollipop.

I saw a man at the park feeding birds from his hand. I guess you could say he had a lot on his plate.

Why was the witch bad at relationships? She kept putting spells on her partners.