Why did the mathematician break up with his imaginary girlfriend? She was too complex for him.

Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants. And for being a fashion crime.

I'm planning a zombie-themed party, it's going to be a real thriller.

I told my wife she should do some stand-up comedy. She didn't stand up, but started cracking up.

I told my wife she should open a bakery, she said she kneaded more dough.

I used to be a baker, now I'm a banker. I know how to make some serious dough.

Why did the tomato go to the disco? It wanted to ketchup with the latest dance moves.

I tried to take a selfie in the shower, but I got washed out.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was a no-brainer.

I told my wife she should try balancing on a tightrope. She said, 'I'm already walking on thin ice with you.'

I went to a zoo where the only animal was a dog. It was a shih tzu.

I like my alcohol like I like my violence. Domestic.

I told my wife she shouldn't be afraid of spiders. She said, 'That's easy for you to say, you're not the one having to see them crawl out of your mouth every night.'

I have a fear of elevators. It's taking me to a whole new level of anxiety.

I heard that eating clocks is very time consuming. But it's a great way to pass the time.

My friend drowned in an ocean of orange soda. He's now a Fanta sea.

I told my therapist that I have suicidal thoughts. She said, 'Well, from what I can see, you're not the only one.'

I hate how funerals are always at 9am. I'm not really a mourning person.

I told my wife she should learn to juggle to relieve stress. Life's a balancing act after all.

I told my therapist about my obsession with curtains. He said it's all about window dressing.

My new diet is so easy, I just close my eyes and eat whatever the voices in my head tell me to.