I took up meditation so I could be a more centered person, but I keep falling asleep.

I finally found a good seating arrangement for my DVD collection, it's on 'Chair 1, Seat 2'.

I keep telling myself I need to stop procrastinating, but I'll do it later.

I asked the gym if they had dumbbells for sale - they said they were touched I thought so highly of them.

I told my mom I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti - she said it would be pasta-trophic.

I would tell you a joke about vegetables, but it's a bit corny.

I told my wife she should wear glasses - that way she won't see me putting salt in her coffee.

I used to be a baker until my business went stale.

I'm friends with a mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers - he'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

I dated a baker once, but she couldn't handle my half-baked ideas.

Why did the potato cross the road? To prove it wasn't a chicken.

Have you heard about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investiga-gator.

I'm writing a book on hurricanes. It's a bit of a whirlwind.

Why did the singer break up with the drummer? They had no chemistry.

Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

The shortest distance between two points is how I look at things, diagonally.

I'm friends with a mathematician who keeps telling me the same math joke, I think he's stuck in a loop.