I'm friends with a drummer, but we have a hard time keeping a beat.

Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.

I'm reading a book on teleportation - you just can't put it down.

Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she kept running away from the ball.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

I told my wife she should be more affectionate – she gave me a hug.

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to swim - he said, 'Dive right in.'

I told my wife she should do yoga to relax - now she's stretching the truth.

Why did the scarecrow become a chef? He had a recipe for success.

I asked my boss if I could leave early - they told me to clock out the idea.

Why did the math book attend anger management? It couldn't square its problems.

I told my computer to stop crashing - now it's giving me the cold shoulder.

I asked my friend if they wanted to hear a history joke - they told me it was ancient history.

Why did the scarecrow win a race? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I told my wife she should dance to stay in shape - now she's tangoing around the truth.

Why did the math book go to the psychiatrist? It had too many irrational thoughts.

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to lift weights - he said, 'Muscle through it.'

I told my wife she should lift weights to stay in shape - now she's bench-pressuring me.

Why did the scarecrow go to therapy? It had too many straw filled days.

I asked my friend if they wanted to hear a baking joke - they told me to whisk it.