Why did the two porcupines break up? They were getting too prickly with each other.

I used to date a baker, but I couldn't handle the kneadiness.

I'm no chef, but I know how to whisk it all in a relationship.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

I asked my wife why she married me if I was such an idiot. She said, 'I was lonely.'

I named my dog '5 miles.' So I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.

Why did the man get hit in the head with a soda can? He asked his wife for a pop and she gave him a slap.

How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 30 pounds.

Why did the woman break up with the grape? It was always raisin the roof.

Why do scientists recommend getting a dog after a break up? Because they can always fetch you a new date.

Why do couples in love go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.

What's a skeleton's favorite part of a relationship? The bone-us time spent together.

I hate it when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.

Why do pharmacists make great lovers? They know all about dosages.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes, that I am out in the woods hunting with a young blonde. Turns out she was talking about a dream she had.

I asked my girlfriend how long she wanted to be together. She said, 'Forever.' So I locked her in the basement.

I recently took up speed dating. Not sure if I'll continue - I met someone, but I think we hit it off too quickly.

Why are relationships a marathon and not a sprint? Because you have to pace yourself if you want to finish.

Why did the cross-eyed teacher break up with her boyfriend? She couldn't control her pupils.