My wife told me I need to grow up. I was speechless.

My husband kisses the dog on the lips, yet he won't drink from my glass.

My wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

What did the octopus say to his girlfriend? I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

Why did the scarecrow break up with the cornstalk? They had a mutual ear-resolvable difference.

Do you want a brief explanation of what maturity is? It’s being able to give each other the silent treatment without having to tell the other person.

What did the drum say to the cymbal? You know, we really click.

Why did the man put his girlfriend in the freezer? He wanted to ice her a question.

Why did the woman bring a ladder to her date? She heard he was a hottie and wanted to get on his level.

Why did the psychic break up with her partner? She saw no future.

Why did the man take a pencil to his date? He wanted to draw her attention.

Why did the volleyball players break up? They were no longer in the same court.

Why did the woman bring a car door to her date? She heard she needed a key to his heart.

Why did the tree ask the dog to move in? It needed more bark in its life.

Why did the belt break up with the pants? It felt like there was too much waist.

Why did the salad go to the art exhibition? It heard they were serving great dressing.

Why did the musician break up with the guitar? He couldn't handle the strings attached.

Why did the origami break up with the paper? It felt like it was being folded too many times.

Why did the skeleton refuse to go on a date? He didn't have the guts.

Why did the phone break up with the charger? It needed space to recharge its own battery.

Why did the lettuce break up with the cabbage? It couldn't romaine in the relationship.