How do you know when you've found your soulmate? When no one else can stand either of you.

I told my wife she should start doing lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I asked my girlfriend if she was a book, what genre would she be? She said, 'Fantasy, because you'll never find someone like me.'

My wife left me because I'm always talking in stereotypes. What a typical woman.

My girlfriend accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left.

My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday. So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.

Why did the loaf of bread break up with his girlfriend? He heard she was loafing around with other buns.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking, and then I saw her face.

I used to date a baker, but she couldn't handle my loaf.

I have a lot in common with my calendar. We both have commitment issues.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to watch a movie. She said, 'I don’t really like movies. Let’s just sit in silence.'

Why did the golfer break up with his girlfriend? She kept putting him through too many hazards.

Why did the man bring a plant on his date? He heard they needed to grow together.

I told my husband I wanted a diamond for our anniversary. He handed me a deck of cards and said, 'Pick a card, any card.'

Why did the man break up with his calculator? He couldn't count on it anymore.

I asked my husband why he never says 'I love you.' He said, 'I told you once, isn't that enough?'

I told my husband I wanted a romantic getaway for Valentine's Day. He booked us a trip to the hardware store.

I asked my wife if she wanted to go on a date to the art museum. She said, 'I already have you to admire.' Smooth.

My girlfriend told me I'm like a delicate flower. So I took offense and wilted.

Why did the man bring a glass of water to his date? He heard things were starting to heat up.

Why did the man bring a map on his date? He heard the relationship was going south.