I told my wife she should try to communicate more. She wrote me a letter.

My girlfriend is like a math book, I have a lot of problems with her.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun in the house, I said, 'Decepticons.' She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster.

My girlfriend says I'm terrible at fixing things around the house. I think she's being unfair. I fixed our washing machine just the other day. It's been two weeks, and it hasn't moved an inch.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She left me.

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon. She said it's childish. I said 'You get a Pikachu, I'll get a Raichu.'

I told my wife she should try to be more mysterious. For her next birthday, she asked for a new identity.

Why did the two knives break up? They couldn't handle the pressure.

My girlfriend told me I need to be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends.

Why did the cookie break up with the milk? Because it was too clingy.

I asked my husband why he carries a gun around the house. He replied 'Decepticons.'

Why was the grape so upset? Because it was in a jam.

I used to date a baker. She was a real knead freak.

Why did the man break up with his TV? It wasn't working romantically.

My wife asked me to put the cat out. I didn't even know it was on fire.

I told my partner they should take up knitting to relax. Now they're in stitches all the time.

Why did the toothbrush break up with the toothpaste? It couldn't handle the paste-y kisses.

My girlfriend said she wanted a fairy-tale relationship. So I locked her in a tower.

Why did the book break up with the library? It needed more space to write its own story.

Why did the balloon break up with the air pump? It was tired of being blown off.

My boyfriend said he wanted to be more like Tarzan. Now he just swings from relationship to relationship.