Why was the calendar always lonely? Because its days were numbered.

How does a scientist propose? 'Do you have a moment to bond over a covalent connection?'

Why did the man bring a ladder to his girlfriend's house? He heard she was falling for someone else.

Why did the cell phone break up with the landline? It just couldn't hold a good connection.

What did the hamburger say to the bun? 'You're the one for me, bun.'

How did the mechanic propose? 'Let's torque' about our future together!

Why did the grapefruit break up with the orange? The orange was too citrus-ly cheerful.

Why did the scientist break up with his girlfriend? She just wasn't his 'type.'

How did the astronaut propose? 'I've traveled the universe, but you're still the star I orbit.'

I told my girlfriend she should do more squats to get a better butt. Now I have a new girlfriend.

My boyfriend said he needs alone time to recharge. I think he's just avoiding my family.

I broke up with my CrossFit coach. We just didn't workout.

I love you with all my butt. I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.

Relationships are like birds. If you hold them too tightly, they'll die. If you hold them too loosely, they'll fly away. So basically, if you're in a relationship, you're screwed.

I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect'. So whenever I forget, it will tell me 'Your password is incorrect.'

I told my wife she should spice up our love life. Now she's dating a chef.

Why did the man bring a car door on his date? So he could open up to her.

I told my wife she should embrace her curves. She said, 'I'm not plump, I'm pleasantly plump.' I replied, 'Honey, you're not pleasantly plump, you're Pepsi bottle thick.'

Why did the man take his date to the car wash? Because he heard they had great chemistry.

I tried to keep the grocery list short, but my wife said we 'need some space'.

I asked my wife for a dirty joke, and she said, 'Our relationship.'