Why can't the bicycle stand up by itself? Because it's two-tired!

I told my boyfriend he should do lunges to stay in shape. Now he's running away from me!

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to hear a joke about paper. She said, 'Never mind, it's tearable.'

I asked my girlfriend to lend me a pencil. She replied, 'I'm sorry, I can't, it's permanent.'

Why do programmers prefer relationships to hookups? They love the idea of committing.

I used to date a podiatrist, but it was always just one big foot rub.

My boyfriend said our relationship is like a fat man, it's not working out.

Why did the music teacher date the farmer? She heard he was outstanding in his field.

My girlfriend said she wants to slow things down between us. So now I drive in the slow lane.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I told my wife she should be more affectionate. So she got a third degree burn from the toaster.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but our dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I told my wife she should be more careful with her diet. She just finished a bag of chips and asked for dessert.

Why did the Valentine get arrested? For stealing someone's heart.

Why did the grape break up with the tomato? It couldn't ketchup to its pace.

Why did the skeleton break up with the ghost? It just couldn't handle the lack of body in the relationship.

Why did the bicycle break up with the unicycle? It felt like they were always going in circles.

Why did the smartphone break up with the charger? It felt like the spark was gone.

Why did the tree break up with the leaf? It felt like they were falling apart.

Why did the lamp break up with the light bulb? It was tired of always being overshadowed.

Why did the book break up with the bookmark? It needed space to write a new chapter.