My wife told me to take her somewhere she's never been before. I took her to the kitchen.

Why did the couple go to therapy? Because their communication was 'textbook' bad.

I asked my boyfriend why he never tells me his secrets. He said, 'I can't risk you thinking I'm a ghost'.

Why don't couples ever play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding the fact that you can't find each other's socks.

Why did the relationship go to the gym? It wanted to work on its commitment issues.

Why did the calendar break up with the clock? He was always ticking and she found it annoying.

Why do programmers prefer relationships that are '3D'? Because they can't handle '1D' issues.

What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine's Day? I'm nuts about you!

Why did the girl break up with the calendar? She felt like she was just going through the motions.

My girlfriend told me to go to hell. Jokes on her, I'm already married.

My wife and I had an argument about the difference between ignorance and apathy. I don't know and I don't care.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes. I asked if she ever fantasizes about me getting my act together.

My girlfriend accused me of being apathetic. I don't care what she thinks.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted a relationship like Romeo and Juliet, she said, 'No way, I want us to both live.'

Why can't you take your girlfriend to the zoo? There's only one African queen and hundreds of animals.

I bought my wife a fridge for her birthday, her face lit up when she opened it.

Why did the math book break up with the history book? Their relationship was too complex.

Why did the man break up with his internet girlfriend? He had too many browsers open.

Why did the corn file a lawsuit? Because it was stalked.

Why did the balloon break up with the needle? It let out too much hot air.