What belongs to you, but everyone else uses it more than you do? Your name.

Why did the pencil get straight A's? It had a really good point.

What typewriter can you carry in your hand? A palm pilot.

What is as big as an elephant, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.

Why did the tomato start a fight with the salad? It had beef with the dressing.

What is always hungry, but never thirsty? A fire.

Why did the mathematician break up with his equal? They just couldn't solve their problems.

What is so fragile, even speaking its name will break it? Silence.

What has keys but can't open locks and plays music? A xylophone.

What has one foot, but no legs? A yardstick.

What has holes but holds water? A sponge.

What's it like being kissed by a vampire? A pain in the neck.

What do you call a cow that eats grass? A lawn moo-er.

Why did the library book go to the doctor? It needed to be checked out.

Why did the razor go to school? It wanted to shave and a haircut.

What do you call a fairy that has not taken a bath? Stinkerbell.

What do you call a potato that has turned into a vampire? A bat-tato.

What did the librarian say when the books were falling off the shelf? Stop it, I can only take so much shelf abuse.

Why do some fish refuse to play basketball? They're afraid of the net.

What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet at the same time? Reality.

Why do bicycles never stand up for themselves? Because they're two-tired.