I don't have a bucket list. I have a f*** it list.

I'm not sarcastic. I'm just fluent in smartass language.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I told him I already have Netflix.

I put my treadmill on the highest incline. Now it's high maintenance.

I hate social media. I post about it five times a day.

I started a band named 999 Megabytes. We haven't got a gig yet.

I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in 3 years. I don't have 2022 vision.

I don't always make bad jokes, but when I do, people clap.

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, than it hit me.

I told my boss I have a lot of work to do. He asked if I needed help. I said, 'No thanks, I’m good at suffering.'

I wanted to be a vegetarian, but they say you are what you eat, so I changed my mind.

I went to a concert the other day. The band started playing 'Wonderwall' and I still didn't feel like it was my day.

I'm not old, I'm just vintage. Like a fine wine or a classic car, just without the value.

I read a book on anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down.

I finally discovered the secret to happiness. Stay in bed all day, eat snacks, and avoid all responsibilities.

I asked the waiter for a doggie bag and now I'm sitting here wondering where my dog is.

I told my landlord I want to live on the edge. He raised my rent.

I told my wife I wanted to be more spontaneous. She asked if I wanted to schedule it on the calendar.

I told my therapist about my trust issues... but I don't really trust therapists.

I love when people ask me for my honest opinion, and then get offended by it.

Sure, I'll stop being sarcastic. That'll happen right after pigs fly.