I asked my TV for some drama. It turned on the news.

I told my pillow to be more supportive. It said, 'Buy a memory foam one.'

I asked my couch to be more comfortable. It replied, 'Lose some weight.'

I told my toaster to stop burning my toast. It popped up extra crispy.

I'm not ignoring you, I'm just giving you time to reflect on what a terrible mistake you made talking to me.

I didn't fall, the floor looked like it needed a hug.

I'm not a quitter, I'm a strategic breather.

I work well under pressure. I just prefer to apply it to others.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, except for bears. Bears will kill you.

I may be smiling, but in my head, I've already killed you three times.

I'm not a control freak, you're just doing it wrong.

Well aren't you a shiny example of wasted potential?

I don't have a bad attitude, I have a good sense of humor.

Excuse me while I take this moment to not slap you.

I may look calm, but in my head, I've already killed you twice.

I'm not a people person. I'm a 'leave me alone in peace' person.

I'm not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.

I may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head, I'm quite busy judging you.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, except you.

I tried to change a lightbulb, but I couldn't find one bright enough

I told my GPS I needed direction in life. It replied, 'Recalculating.'