I asked my dad why his computer stopped working. He said it had a Dell.

I asked my friend to spell 'redundant.' He said, 'R-E-D-U-N-D-A-N-T.'

I told my friend I have a fear of moving escalators. He said I should take steps to avoid them.

I asked my boss for a raise, and he gave me a shovel... said I should dig deep for it.

I tried to take a selfie while jogging. Now I have a running nose.

I used to be a baker until I realized my life was just crumbling apart.

I finally got my life together, but then realized I left it in the other pair of pants.

I made a list of people who annoy me. Turns out it's just me written in different fonts.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I told my psychiatrist I keep having these dreams where I'm an elevator... he told me I was going up and down in my sleep.

I asked the waiter what's good here and he said 'the chairs', so I left.

I told my boss I have too much work. He told me to prioritize. Now all my emails are marked as 'high priority'.

I asked the gym trainer for help with my fitness goals. He told me to stop eating donuts. I'm still not sure if he's serious.

I bought a map of the world, but I can't find the 'you are here' arrow.

I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, I make sure to do it well.

I asked the chef how to make a perfect omelette. He cracked up.

I told my wife she should be more secure in our relationship. So she changed all the locks.

I tried to join a marathon, but they told me it was for runners only.

I asked the IT guy to help me fix my computer. He said, 'Have you tried turning it off and on again?' I guess that's why he's the expert.

I told my math teacher I have a fear of negative numbers. He told me to man up and stop being irrational.

I always carry a picture of my wallet in case I lose it.