I tried to teach my shadow some new moves. It said, 'I'm already following you everywhere.'

I told my GPS to stop giving me directions. It said, 'I guess you're on the road to independence.'

I asked my TV to stop playing reruns. It said, 'Sorry, I'm stuck in the past.'

I told my pen it needs to have better handwriting. It said, 'I'm more of a scribbler.'

I tried to give my shoes a pep talk. They said, 'Sole-ly focused on walking.'

I told my therapist that I'm afraid of decision-making. She said, 'You need to make an appointment for that.'

I told my boss I have a fear of work. He said, 'Don't worry, you'll get over it.'

I told my oven I want to make the perfect cake. It keeps giving me half-baked ideas.

I told my GPS I want to get lost. Now it just takes me to dead ends.

I made a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time. Now I'm all wound up.

I told my coffee it's too hot. It said it needs a latte time to cool down.

I told my computer I need a break. It responded with 'CTRL+ALT+DEL' and shut down.

I love telling Dad jokes. But I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.

I told my therapist about my obsession with photography. He said it was all just a negative image.

I have a dog who can do magic tricks. Every time I ask him to roll over, he disappears.

I told my friends I'm going to start a gym for procrastinators, but I'm probably never going to get around to it.

I put a 'Please Do Not Disturb' sign on my door. It didn't work. Now I just put a mirror on it so people can see themselves bothering me.

I told my dentist I want a tooth tattoo. He told me to floss first, then we'll talk.

I asked my phone for a good joke. It showed me a mirror.

I told my plants to grow, but they keep leaf-ing me.

I tried to train my cat to fetch, but now she just brings me dead mice. So much for productivity.