I'm not saying I'm bad at math, but my bank account is currently performing its own version of The Great Depression.

I love when people say 'Just be yourself'. Oh great, I was planning on being someone completely different.

I'm not saying I'm a picky eater, but my list of approved foods is about the length of a CVS receipt.

I really appreciate people who remind me that 'life is short.' It's not like I had any long-term plans or anything.

I'm not saying I have a fear of commitment, but my relationships with TV shows are getting pretty serious.

I love when technology makes our lives easier. Like when my phone dies after 30 minutes because the battery meter was lying.

I don't need a gym membership to stay in shape. Dodging responsibilities is a full-body workout in itself.

I'm not saying I have a love-hate relationship with my bed, but I do spend a lot of time arguing with it every morning.

I'm so grateful for my terrible memory. It's like a surprise gift every time I forget what I was just talking about.

I don't believe in ghosts, but I do believe in the terrifying power of a high electricity bill.

I'm not a fan of parallel parking, but I am a big fan of pretending I never saw that spot.

I don't need a fitness tracker to tell me how many steps I've taken. My body's sharp pains do a pretty good job of that.

I'm not a procrastinator, I'm just really good at making deadlines exciting.

My therapist says I should work on my communication skills. I told her I'd get back to her about that.

I love when the weather forecast says 'partly cloudy'. Ah yes, the ultimate ambiguous forecast.

I really admire people who can stay calm in stressful situations. It makes it easier for me to panic.

I'm not a morning person, but I do appreciate that my coffee is always waiting for me.

I've been trying to meditate, but my inner peace is still on backorder.

I don't always make bad jokes, but when I do, it's usually in a crowded room.

I'm so grateful for my alarm clock. Without it, I'd never know what 6 am looks like.

I love when my boss says 'Have a great weekend!' Like yeah, I totally planned on having a terrible one.