I always carry a knife in my pocket. Just in case we're having cake.

I'm naturally funny. The fake laughs prove it.

I don't have a funny bone. I have a sarcasm gland.

I told my son he'd grow up to be just like me. Luckily, he stopped crying.

Life's a beach and then you get sand in your swim trunks.

I don't need a spa day. I need a nap day.

I love deadlines. I like the sound they make as they go whooshing by.

I could eat a salad for every meal. Just kidding, I need pizza.

My favorite pastime is mentally drafting strongly-worded emails that I never send.

I don't believe in organized chaos; my life follows a strictly chaotic order.

I don't need a personal chef; my microwave dinners are culinary masterpieces.

I love it when my phone battery dies mid-conversation; it's like a digital mic drop.

I'm not a snacker; I just have a deep appreciation for small, frequent meals.

I don't need a comedy show; my daily interactions with technology provide enough laughs.

I'm not a procrastinator; I'm a strategic delayer of tasks.

I love it when my to-do list magically grows longer overnight; it's like a surprise gift from past me.

I don't need a reality TV show; my life provides enough drama to keep me entertained.

I love when my phone autocorrects words; it's like having a personal comedian in my pocket.

I'm not a morning person; I'm a nocturnal enthusiast who happens to function during the day.

I don't have a sweet tooth; my teeth just enjoy a good workout with sugar.

My diet consists of mainly crumbs and unfulfilled promises.