I'm not a perfectionist, I just have exceptionally high standards for incompetence.

I may be quiet, but that doesn't mean I don't have a lot to say. It just means you're not worth the words.

I don't need a vacation, I need a new government.

I'm not antisocial, I'm selectively social. And you didn't make the cut.

I'm not a control freak, I just know what everyone else should be doing.

I'm not saying I'm better than you, I'm just saying you're not as good as me.

Don't worry, I'm not judging you. I'm just silently observing your poor life choices.

People say I have a dry sense of humor. I disagree. I just have a drought of amusement.

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but I don't think this joke is quite good enough yet.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me.

I don't need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry.

I'm not a doctor, but I'll be happy to give you a second opinion on Google.

I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on a hard drive somewhere.

I don't always tolerate sarcasm, but when I do, it's because I'm not listening.

I'm not one to brag, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me... now I'm more of a cat person.

I didn't choose the thug life. The thug life chose me... to stay away.

I was going to take over the world, but then I realized I'd have to get up early.

I'm not good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Alcohol may be a solution, but it's a temporary one.

I'm not shy, I'm just quietly plotting your demise.